Kumba Straight from the Serengeti Plains Inspired By D. Birnbaum D. Max

"What is that?" one of us asked, finally.

"Kumba," said Danny, matter-of-factly. "Try some."

"Yeah, but what is it?" my friend tried again.

"Try some," Danny repeated.

I'm always ready to try something new, even if it is gray, so I spooned some out and passed it along until it we all had some on our plates.

I watched as one of the others sampled a forkfull. Her tentative expression changed to one of concentration as she paused for a moment in mid-chew, as if she were trying to let the experience sink in first before proceeding. Raising her eyebrows, she spoke a noncommital, "Hmph," and reached for another forkfull as if asking, "Would you mind repeating that?"

I took a bite. The first impression was the unmistakable texture and taste of eggplant. Mixed in were some small chunks which had a satisfying watery crunch.

Futilely searching my mental library for some ethnic food group that matched what I was tasting, I gave up and concentrated on the name for clues. I asked Danny, "Kumba? Where does that name come from?"

"Oh, it's African."

Others around the table were similarly pleased yet puzzled. I concentrated harder on the flavors. The slightly sour and slightly sharp bite of the eggplant was clearly underlined with an extra kick from garlic and lemon juice. The watery crunch of the chunks was similarly accentated by what I recognized as cilantro.

"Eggplant salsa." someone at the table suggested.

"What are the crunchy bits?" someone else asked.

"Celery?" I suggested.

"Yes," Danny explained, "I substituted celery."

"Substituted?"

"Well yes," Danny elaborated, "the original recipe uses locusts, but --"

"Pffft!" said somebody at the table, quickly reaching for a napkin.

Not missing a beat, Danny continued, "-- but I substituted celery."

"Locusts?"

"Yes."

"Grasshopper, locusts? As in like the eighth plague, locusts?"

"Yes."

"People eat locusts?"

"Sure."

"And they taste like celery?"

"Pretty close."

<Pause>

"Can I get the recipe?"

Kumba:

• Bake (or nuke) eggplant until it is very soft.
• Let it cool and spoon out eggplant from its skin.
• Add fresh pressed garlic, olive oil,lemon juice, cilantro/corriander, onions,roasted red peppers (from jar).
• Chop and add celery (or fresh locusts[1] if you have any)
• Serve with dental floss[2] to get those nasty celery pieces from dangling.

When you serve it to your guests, be sure to tell them all about the history of this recipe[3]. This curiosity will add to their appetite, and to your "image" as a messy gourmet.

[1] A word of caution regarding the use of fresh locusts. When you bring Kumba for your friend's potluck dinner, please remember that the locusts should not be so fresh that they crawl out of the bowl, fly around the house and eat all of your friend's houseplants. The plants can be replaced, but trying to mend the friendship after that kind of faux pax can really be a challenge.
[2] On the side!
[3] AFTER they take a bite.

Stains: Those nasty crushed locust stains! Call an exterminator.

Movies for inspiration:Out of Africa (1985)

Hockey Puckey You'll be dancing like Gretzky The Canadian Version of Hokey Pokey Contributed By A. Miller

Most people recognize Hokey Pokey as a silly dance. Inhabitants and visitors of New Zealand recognize it as a wonderfully sweet ice cream flavor that has a caramelly substance. New Zealand is a very rich milk country. So much so, that their Vodka has milk in it. But I digress...

• Bring 5 Tbsp sugar and 2 Tbsp Golden Syrup to a boil slowly stirring all the time.
• Boil 4 minutes, stirring occasionally.
• Remove from heat and add 1 tsp baking soda.
• Stir quickly until it froths and pour at once into a greased tray.
• Break when cold and store in air-tight jars.
• Put on vanilla ice cream or yogurt.
• Visit your dentist.

Golden syrup is NOT corn syrup, it is NOT maple syrup and it is definately NOT Aunt Jemima's syrup. So what it is? Simply put it is evaporated sugar cane juice. It has a unique rich and toasty sweet flavor. Lyle's Golden Syrup is a popular brand in England, and can be found in specialty markets in North America. If you must, you can try substituting it with 2 parts corn syrup + 1 part molasses OR equal parts honey and corn syrup.

Stains: Getting rid of a Hokey Pokey droppings on the carpet is like removing caramel. Sponge the area with water and eventually the crazy-glue-like bonds will weaken.