Giant Mess-O-Green Gunk Presto Pesto Contributed By A. Lipman

Yes, good old pesto. I know what you're thinking, "it's soooo eighties! Like, it's part of that whole overblown Northern Italian olive oil sun dried tomato yuppie scene, and it just makes me so upset and angry that I want to eat a whole can of frosting!" Fine, maybe that's not what you're thinking, but when pesto is well made, it is like nothing else. (Of course it's like nothing else, or it wouldn't be known as an individual thing!! Don't you hate it when people make obvious statements, but expect you to infer something clever from it?)

So, here goes: PESTO

1. The key to pesto is FRESH BASIL!!! If you can't get any, don't bother making it. Dried basil is NOT just as good. You need TONS of fresh basil. Get at least 6 or 7 healthy stalks of it, or even twice or three times as much. More, if you possibly can. Wash it, and pick all the leaves off. Toss them into a blender or food processor, or your favorite chopping apparatus. All the ingredients will be tossed into this apparatus. Don't start chopping until all the ingredients have been added.
2. The next thing you need is GARLIC. Put a few fresh cloves in. We know you garlic-a-holics out there, so go ahead and go nuts if you are one. If you're a more dainty Northern-European type, you can get by with just one or two cloves.
3. You also need NUTS. You can use the ever popular PINE NUTS. However, these are expensive, and according to some, over-rated. Therefore, feel equally free to use WALNUTS. About 1/4 to 1/2 a cup is good, depending on your affinity for nuts. There is one thing you need to do first. you MUST ROAST THE NUTS! THIS IS SOOO IMPORTANT! The flavor of roasted nuts over raw is, well, just don't get me started. Stick the nuts in the oven at about 325-350 for about 5-10 minutes. (Y'all know how to roast nuts, right?) You take them out when they're toasted. Then toss them right into with the other ingredients.
4. Next, some cheese. Throw in 1/4-1/2 cup of grated parmesan cheese.
5. Now, start up the chopping apparatus. You may notice that things aren't really holding together. This is because you must add OLIVE OIL! Just keep drizzling it in SLOWLY until the pesto is at a nice consistancy. If you like it nice and oily, then just go to town. All you fat-free freaks, just put some in and deal, okay?
6. TASTE IT. It made need salt. Adjust.
7. ENJOY IT - With pasta, bread, fish, chicken, whatever makes you happy.

PESTO OPTIONS!!!!

1. Some of you might prefer to make it without cheese. Feel free. You might need to add a bit of extra salt to compensate.
2. You may also skip the parmesan cheese, make the pesto as described, and then dump it all into a little saucepan. Dump in a container of ricotta, and heat it slowly over a low flame, stirring regularly, and you will have an INCREDIBLE cream pesto sauce that will have people loving you forever. Again, you may need to add extra salt to compensate, especially when using ricotta cheese.

Reader's Contribution:

Pesto Bruchetta:Slice day old (or older) bread on the diagonal-spread a thin layer of pesto-then a generous sprinkel of goat cheese-top with fresh mozzerela cheese,fresh sliced tomatos and sliced calamata olives...bake at 400 degrees till cheese melts...garnish with fresh basil...YUM! (M. Burke)

Stains: Pesto:
In the tradition of the decade of excess(1980's), go down the steet to your neighborhood dry cleaner.

Movies for inspiration: Little Mermaid(1989)
Sebastian: The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake..

Patience Split Pea Soup Virtue is a Patience & Vice Versa Contributed By A. Casey

Oh yes the best things take time. It nearly took me three months of careful expermintation to get this right. And I'm giving it to you for free! Anyway, here's a split pea soup that'll receive umm's and yums.

Ingredients:

• 1 bag split peas
• roughly 8 cups water, a little more, less, or substitution of coffee cup for measureing cup is OK.
• 1 pound ham. (substitutions ok, but ham is better)
• a whole slew of veggies. Carrots, celery, onion, garlic, whatever looks yummy at the time. (and hey these can be left out too)
• salt (to taste, or however much gets spilled in the pot)

Boil water, salt liberally, Add peas. Wait impatiently for one hour. While you wait, dice up the meat and veggies. Time up? Did you cheat? If the peas have suddenly absorbed all the water, fret not, just add about three cups more. I'm assuming the hour's over, add meat. Wait about 45 minutes. I know it's hard.. Add veggies. Wait again until veggies are VERY tender.

Now, does your soup have a nice thick consistancy? Does it stick to the back of a spoon? Or better yet coat it very well? Yes? Then serve it up!

Stains: Pea soup:
Mix one teaspoon of mild detergent with one cup lukewarm water. Dip clean cloth into solution and gently blot the spot. Have patience!

Movies for inspiration: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)
Qui-Gon Jinn: Patience, my blue friend
Learn patience by lining up to get tickets or by remaining in your seat for the 131 minutes, which is the approximate time for cooking this dish.